Liveblogging the first 2024 Presidential Debate

America decides

Hi folks,

I did one of these for the Republican primary debate. It was a lot of fun and it seems like subscribers responded well to it, so I figured I might as well do one for tonight’s debate between Trump and Biden, which I strongly suspect will be the only debate that occurs.

The rules seem to heavily disfavor Trump: The microphones have very strict cut-off mechanisms, the moderators are hostile political hacks, and there are on-site “fact checkers” to quibble over every clumsy phrasing or misstatement. One of the hosts, Jake Tapper, has his name attached to a probably-ghostwritten book on a major Afghanistan War battle that was turned into a pretty good movie that I did a podcast episode on late last year.

Reality, however, seems to favor President Trump. Despite his recent criminal conviction, Trump is ahead in every single poll in this universe and perhaps several parallel universes as well. President Biden has been MIA this week, presumably so that the most talented doctors on the planet can rub sponges of liquid Adderall directly onto his brain. Finally, Biden’s allies seem to be joining in on the feeding frenzy. The Obamas (who many suspect to be secretly directing the Biden White House) have been taking public shots at Team Biden’s incoherent yet astronomically expensive campaign to reelect the most feeble, unpopular, and, frankly, retarded President in American history

Speaking of feeble, unpopular, and, frankly, retarded: Free Subscribers to this Substack will not be allowed to read this article. This article will be exclusive to Paid Subscribers, who I truly love. Paid Subscribers also get access to all of the podcast episodes on this Substack. The most recent episodes of the podcast covered the original Mad Max film as well as its eternal sequel, Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior.

If you are a Free Subscriber reading this right now after whenever the debate has ended, please know that I personally dislike you. I hope that opening this email and reading these five paragraphs has inconvenienced you in some way. Perhaps, in the infinite chain of causality, this minor waste of time has prevented you from finding true love or set in motion a series of events that ultimately climax in a grisly Final Destination-style Rube Goldberg death for you.

That is, of course, unless you were to simply click the Upgrade to Paid Subscription button right below and join the cognitive elite. If you were to do this, I would be your greatest friend, your confidant and advisor, a nurturer, an ally, a sincere admirer. Think of all the adventures we would have together. The podcasts I would record and that you would listen to. Perhaps a vision of this better life would flash through your mind in the millisecond before you were crushed to death beneath that Ferris Wheel or whatever cruel (and almost certainly painful) destiny that fate has set for you.

Anyway, that’s enough, let’s get to the debate!