We need a new rightwing party based around histrionic middle aged social media addicts proposing that we let liberals win whenever setbacks are encountered, real or imagined

Just hear me out on this one

Holy shit. HOLY SHIT. Did you guys hear about the bill? Did you hear about the court case? Did you hear about the quote? I’ve been one of Trump’s most loyal supporters since my most recent tantrum when I condemned him last week but I truly think it’s over this time, guys.

I’m angry. This thing I just heard about? It’s made me angry. Something else made me angry last week and even though it ended up almost immediately proving to be not a big deal, I don’t remember that at all. I do remember that I felt angry and, because I am no longer able to process my emotions due to the addictive nature of online catastrophizing, those unjustified feelings only serve to ratify my present ill-formed panic. I talked to the rest of my digital support group and we all agreed that we’re angry and scared.

Even though the situation is objectively the best it’s been in decades and we have a historic opportunity to transform American society in a narrow and shrinking window of time, Trump’s inability to prevent all bad things from happening, magically correct problems that have been decades or even centuries in the making, and stop stupid people from saying stupid things after 5 months in office reflects a deep and profound failure that I could have never anticipated and shouldn’t be expected to navigate.

We need a new plan and new direction: Instead of trying to find a way to help our elected representatives implement policies we support, instead of organizing a primary effort to replace objectionable figures over the year and a half we have to prepare, instead of creating some kind of internal organization or institutional force to achieve our political goals, instead of participating in the systems we pretend to care about, we have to let liberals win.

If we let liberals win, Republicans will finally understand that I shouldn’t feel angry or scared anymore. If we let liberals win, then the unconscious emotional investment that I have developed in my predictions of defeat coming true will pay off. If we let liberals win, we won’t have to take responsibility for our own success or failure. There are really no downsides to letting liberals win other than liberals winning, a concern that I consider secondary to obtaining vindication over my intrafactional rivals because I am incapable of depersonalizing politics, which I view as an identity signifier and vehicle for self expression because I interact with it through the distorting lens of social media.

Someone who is unable to let events play out for a year, a month, or even a few days is invaluable in times of crisis. Someone who must be talked off the ledge every week is a huge asset. Someone who is upset that Republicans are not doing enough in Congress and concludes from this that we need to give Democrats more power in Congress has a lot of good ideas. Constantly embellishing failures and minimizing successes is critical to creating an effective and motivated political force. If there’s one thing recent events have made clear, it’s that in conservative politics there is a huge surplus of people who are capable of productive action and a huge shortage of hyperbolic internet commentary, unachievable fantasies, and reasons to lose.

Before you object to this proposal, please know that I’m suggesting that we let liberals win for the right reasons. Even though what I’m saying is not true, premature, poorly-supported, or merely unhelpful, please know that my feelings of panic and despair are very real and therefore above reproach. Politics is not about achieving things in the real world, but rather about feeling heard and understood. It’s about the dopamine rush that accompanies vocalizing your anxieties especially when you can validate the anxieties of others to maximize engagement. It’s about the psychodrama that follows getting angry at your phone.

It’s very likely that whatever I’m angry about will soon be revealed as not as big a deal as I’m making it out to be. A new story will probably emerge to capture my attention or a perhaps even good news will arrive that washes away whatever the media cycle carried to shore. However, my volatile feelings will always linger and grow with the generalized sense of negativity and helplessness that I am helping to craft, ready to explode outward at the next twist of fate.

See you next week.