What is media literacy, and how can conservatives obtain it?

“Education is the passport to the future, for tomorrow belongs to those who prepare for it today.”

Media literacy is a term that comes up often these days, and it’s something that, sadly, conservatives are sorely lacking in. As a high IQ and worldly cultural professional I’ve taken it upon myself to tackle media literacy so that rightwingers can gain a better understanding of this all-important concept.

According to Wikipedia, media literacy is an expanded conceptualization of literacy that includes the ability to access and analyze media messages as well as create, reflect and take action, using the power of information and communication to make a difference in the world. I’ve constructed this article as an exercise to help conservatives enhance their media literacy.

Let’s start off with a simple story:

Brick Strongchad was a young man searching for meaning. Despite the objections of his parents, he decided to join the Hero Soldier Battalion. As a soldier, he fought the Murderbugs in many engagements and came into his own as a natural leader, eventually achieving high rank and assisting in the capture of an enemy commander.

Ok, conservatives will probably tell you that this is an exciting and heroic narrative, one where you’re supposed to sympathize and cheer on the main character. Perhaps, with so little to go off of, they might initially appear correct. However, look what happens if we add more to the text:

Brick Strongchad was a young man searching for meaning. Despite the objections of his parents, he decided to join the Hero Soldier Battalion. The Hero Soldier Battalion wears the coolest uniforms imaginable, which virtually every person would find compelling. As a soldier, Brick fought the Murderbugs in many engagements, made love to a beautiful and possibly insane redhead who’s been obsessed with him for years, and came into his own as a natural leader, eventually achieving high rank and assisting in the capture of an enemy commander.

This is a more ambiguous story now, though Republicans probably couldn’t tell you why. Using the power of media literacy, we can dive deep into the text and find the meaning that eludes these dull brutes. For those paying attention, Brick Strongchad is now obviously a parody. Perhaps this will become more clear if we add more details:

Brick Strongchad was a young conventionally attractive white man searching for meaning. Despite the objections of his parents, he decided to join the Hero Soldier Battalion. The Hero Soldier Battalion wears the coolest uniforms imaginable, which virtually every person would find compelling. As a soldier, Brick fought the Murderbugs in many engagements, made love to a beautiful and possibly insane redhead who’s been obsessed with him for years, and came into his own as a natural leader, eventually achieving high rank and assisting in the capture of an enemy commander. As all this is happening, a nonwhite woman is shaking her head and grimacing in the background to indicate that she disapproves.

Is the true message of the work coming into view yet? Although idiot conservatives are focusing on the conventional gung-ho hero narrative (ridiculous on its face because no one has ever been heroic or noble, ever), the author is trying to give subtle hints that the story might be more complex. Expanding further:

Brick Strongchad was a young conventionally attractive white man with bright blue eyes, strong facial symmetry, and a pronounced jawline searching for meaning. Despite the objections of his parents, he decided to join the Hero Soldier Battalion. The Hero Soldier Battalion wears the coolest uniforms imaginable, which virtually every person would find compelling. As a soldier, Brick fought the Murderbugs in many engagements, made love to a beautiful and possibly insane redhead who’s been obsessed with him for years, and came into his own as a natural leader, eventually achieving high rank and assisting in the capture of an enemy commander through a feat of extraordinary heroism that was also visually interesting, and for which he suffers no negative consequences. As all this is happening, a nonwhite woman is shaking her head and grimacing in the background to indicate that she disapproves.

Here the deeper themes of the story become apparent—Brick Strongchad is actually the bad guy. Audiences should condemn his dark journey and not want to repeat it in their own lives. The Murderbugs were merely defending themselves in from the aggression of Strongchad and, by extension, all Republicans everywhere. Let’s add some subtle additional details to the text and examine how they change the story:

PSA message: The author thinks this is all very bad. You should disapprove of Strongchad. Strongchad is the villain. Brick Strongchad was a young conventionally attractive white man with bright blue eyes, strong facial symmetry, and a pronounced jawline searching for meaning. Despite the objections of his parents, he decided to join the Hero Soldier Battalion. The Hero Soldier Battalion wears the coolest uniforms imaginable, which virtually every person would find compelling. As a soldier, Brick fought the Murderbugs in many engagements, made love to a beautiful and possibly insane redhead who’s been obsessed with him for years, and came into his own as a natural leader, eventually achieving high rank and assisting in the capture of an enemy commander through a feat of extraordinary heroism that was also visually interesting, and for which he suffers no negative consequences. As all this is happening, a nonwhite woman is shaking her head and grimacing in the background to indicate that she disapproves. Afterwards, Brick Strongchad decides to kill 61 billion people.

Trump voters probably couldn’t detect this nuanced message in the latest version of the text, but the author thinks this is all very bad and that you should disapprove of Strongchad. Strongchad is the villain. The highest form of media literacy is when you see what a trusted authority figure says about how a work should be interpreted and then you make that view your own. Let’s stress test this concept:

PSA message: The author thinks this is all very bad. You should disapprove of Strongchad. Strongchad is the villain. Brick Strongchad was a young conventionally attractive white man with bright blue eyes, strong facial symmetry, and a pronounced jawline searching for meaning. Strongchad also has magic powers, can see the future, and is in fact the culmination of a centuries-long eugenics effort to breed a superbeing to save humanity. Despite the objections of his parents, he decided to join the Hero Soldier Battalion. The Hero Soldier Battalion wears the coolest uniforms imaginable, which virtually every person would find compelling. As a soldier, Brick fought the Murderbugs in many engagements, made love to a beautiful and possibly insane redhead who’s been obsessed with him for years, and came into his own as a natural leader, eventually achieving high rank and assisting in the capture of an enemy commander through a feat of extraordinary heroism that was also visually interesting, and for which he suffers no negative consequences. As all this is happening, a nonwhite woman is shaking her head and grimacing in the background to indicate that she disapproves. Afterwards, Brick Strongchad decides to kill 61 billion people. However, Strongchad killing 61 billion people was necessary to save humanity, and there were no alternative paths to ensuring the human race’s long-term survival.

Conservatives unable to detect the parody might claim that the story is more complicated than “Strongchad is the villain.” However, if you look closely at the text above, the author actually states that “Strongchad is the villain,” therefore you shouldn’t read any further into it. Let’s complete the story to make this more clear:

PSA message: The author thinks this is all very bad. You should disapprove of Strongchad. Strongchad is the villain. Brick Strongchad was a young conventionally attractive white man with bright blue eyes, strong facial symmetry, and a pronounced jawline searching for meaning. Strongchad also has magic powers, can see the future, and is the culmination of a centuries-long eugenics effort to breed a superbeing to save humanity. Despite the objections of his parents, he decided to join the Hero Soldier Battalion. The Hero Soldier Battalion wears the coolest uniforms imaginable, which virtually every person would find compelling. As a soldier, Brick fought the Murderbugs in many engagements, made love to a beautiful and possibly insane redhead who’s been obsessed with him for years, and came into his own as a natural leader, eventually achieving high rank and assisting in the capture of an enemy commander through a feat of extraordinary heroism that was also visually interesting, and for which he suffers no negative consequences. As all this is happening, a nonwhite woman is shaking her head and grimacing in the background to indicate that she disapproves. Afterwards, Brick Strongchad decides to kill 61 billion people. However, Strongchad killing 61 billion people was necessary to save humanity, and there were no alternative paths to ensuring the human race’s survival. Soon, a film adaptation of the story was released. A visibly sickly Youtuber made a rambling 3 hour video essay explaining why you definitely shouldn’t like Brick Strongchad. A bitter millennial watched the first 30 minutes of the video essay instead of sending emails or teaching the nation’s youth and made a viral Tweet about it from his anonymous Simpsons avatar account. A waifish but dead-eyed Zoomer saw the Tweet, paraphrased it as best she could (having not read story and only being dimly aware of the movie through 30 second clips) and then shared the message to her 10 million followers on TikTok, adding in therapy terminology and contextless phrases from Mao’s Red Book.

As you can see, the conservatives who initially sympathized with Brick Strongchad’s journey have revealed themselves to be morons: The only message that someone could possibly take away from this story is that you should vote for Joe Biden, but NOT because you’re a regular Democrat. In fact, you say “retard” and make jokes about Italians (Gabagool) to show just how willing you are to cross the boundaries set by our oppressive mainstream cultural institutions, which are secretly controlled by Fox News, mid-2000s caricatures of Evangelical Christians, and the Rand Corporation.

I hope this exercise has been helpful to you. Media literacy is so important, especially today. It allows us to take the cultural objects that captivate and inspire us, and detect in them reasons for why you should vote for Joe Biden and why we also need open borders, no cash bail, and a communist revolution that kills 40 million white-coded people in the Midwest and South.