Paid subscriptions are back/announcement of the beginning of the Reign of Terror

You will not survive

Good morning frens,

Due to some kind of glitch that I’m still not able to explain, paid subscriptions were disabled for the last few weeks. This was not very happy news for me over the Thanksgiving holiday. Fortunately, the problem seems to have magically resolved itself, somehow. I’m very grateful for the assistance of Substack Support and friends who reached out to help me with this issue.

So, since paid subscriptions are back, now what? Well, I guess we’re going to have to make up for lost time, together.

I’m going to switch every single article and podcast to Paid-exclusive for the foreseeable future, including the old ones. All you have to do to end this nightmare is click on the handsome “upgrade to paid” button below the next paragraph. I have a number in my head and I’m not going to stop until I get to it.

There’s going to be an endless stream of Paid-exclusive content on topics so topical you’ll have no choice but to break and give me $5. You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. You’ll think “That was worth exactly what I paid for it. No more, no less.” I’m your friend. I love you. Just click the button for me.

You’re going to be getting the good stuff, but that shit ain’t free in America, buddy.

I will never bend. I will never waver. I will get the $5 in your pocket right now as you sit here reading this. I’m going to build a big beautiful paywall around everything that ever existed, and it’s going to be approximately $5 (varying slightly for overseas subscribers based on exchange rates) high.

And if I don’t get it? Well… let’s not think about that now.

Or maybe we should: I’ll cry. I’ll hold my breath. My full and luscious blonde hair is going to turn gray in patches and start falling out. I’ll take it as a personal slight that I will never forgive you for and even though I’ll superficially make amends you’ll know in the back of your mind that I’m just waiting for the right moment, the right millisecond of opportunity, to pay you back for what you’ve done to me more than 1000 fold in the most cruel, arbitrary, and frankly nonsensical way. Press the button below. Upgrade to a paid subscription, it only takes a few seconds.

I’ll put a paywall around your house. I’ll put a paywall around your refrigerator. You won’t be able to eat for 72 hours and feel and look great but then you’ll wither to nothing and turn into a skeleton and I’ll remove the wallet from the jeans hung loosely around the skeleton’s waist, take $5 out, and run away.

You will never escape me. I will follow you across mountains. I will chase you across deserts. Begging, pleading, sobbing, and threatening. I have a gun. I do steroids and commit crimes (international waters beyond the statute of limitations). You better give me what I want ($5) or I’m going to fucking disintegrate you. The only thing you can do to save your own life is to press the button below and upgrade.

I made a New Year’s Resolution early last month around the time I started the podcast. Nothing’s going to stop me any more. This is the Year of the Black Flag. I have no pity left to give. My eyes are clear. My only objective is your (you, the person reading this) $5 USD and I’m going to see this mission through to the very end.

So, with that all out of the way, thank you very much for reading this Substack. It really has been a lot of fun so far. I’m looking forward to the next few months.

As rough as the last few weeks were (for me at least), I’m hoping that this will be a fresh start and that we’ll get to a good rhythm for content. I’m sure some of you have noticed that I kind of bounce between topics/manic periods but it seems like the general structure of how things are going to be is slowly coming into existence.

Good times ahead! See you soon.